Say what?!?!?!?!
Let's back up, shall we?
Most of you know that it was a struggle for me to get pregnant with both Eden and Ila. There was a time that I didn't know if I would ever get to carry a baby, and it took many prayers and tears and rounds of fertility drugs to get us our girls. After Ila was born, we were done. I told Dustin I could never go through trying to get pregnant again - both emotionally (month after month after month of it not happening takes a toll) and physically (all of the side effects that the drugs caused).
So we were a little family of four, and I was completely happy.
This past summer, out of the blue, Eden said, "Can we have another baby?"
"You'll have to take that up with God," I told her. "You can pray for it."
That July night, as she said her prayers, she added in a "And Dear God, please let us have another baby."
As I listened to her sweet little voice say those words, I remember thinking, "Uh-oh! It's done! My innocent little four year old just asked God for a baby. I'm getting a baby."
She never prayed for it again (at least not that I heard), and after a few weeks, I forgot all about it.
Fast forward to October. Shortly after Ila's second birthday, I started to get really, really, really tired. But Dustin had been traveling A LOT in September and the beginning of October, and I just thought that "single-momming it" (as I call it when he's gone) was catching up to me and that I just needed a few nights of good sleep. So I would go to bed at night right after putting the girls to bed at their 7:00 bedtime. But I was still so tired. "I must be getting sick," I thought. A couple more days went by, and it got to the point where I COULD NOT stay awake. Taking a nap in the afternoons when Ila did, falling asleep while watching TV, still going to bed by 7:30 every night... It didn't help. I seemed to be getting more tired by the day. Then I started getting nauseated every time I looked at food.
"This feels familiar," I thought... "But that can't be right? I can't be pregnant? My body can't just GET pregnant!"
A couple more days went by, and the nausea got worse. Finally I told Dustin, "I think I'm pregnant."
"SERIOUSLY?!", he said.
"Yeah... but I can't be... right?"
He wanted me to go get a pregnancy test. "No, no, no, " I said. "I don't think I can be pregnant. I must just be dying or something. No big deal." Yes, I say things like that.
For reasons now that I really don't understand, at the time, I completely refused to take a pregnancy test.
Then on Halloween, the girls and I got home around 4:30 to find Dustin in the kitchen already cooking dinner so that we could eat early and then head out to trick-or-treat. I took one look at the pork chop and green beans that he put on my plate and ran outside to throw up.
"I'm pregnant," I announced when I came back inside.
"TAKE A TEST!" Dustin yelled.
"Nope! Don't need one. I've done this before. I know this feeling. I promise you, I AM PREGNANT!"
Halloween was miserable as we ushered Eden and Ila around a crowded neighborhood while I did my best to not throw up in people's driveways.
The next day, I took a pregnancy test just to make Dustin happy. "I TOLD YOU!"
I got an appointment with my doctor for that Friday where they confirmed it and gave me an ultrasound to determine how far along I was. 6 weeks and 6 days.
Okay... I'm going to be completely honest here. My first reactions were not of joy and happiness. My first reaction was panic. Straight up panic.
Could I handle three kids? Two was easy. I had life under control. Would three send me over the edge? We just bought a new car when Ila was born to comfortably fit two carseats. But it wouldn't fit three. We'd have to buy another new car! To fit THREE carseats! Other than a few sentimental baby things, I hadn't saved anything. I thought we were done! We were going to have to start all over buying baby things! And where in the world were we going to put it? We just moved into a new house six months ago, and now we'd already outgrown it. I would stand in Eden and Ila's bedrooms trying to figure out how I could rearrange things to fit another bed and another dresser. Impossible. Their rooms are really small. The closets are tiny too. "How can I fit another person's clothes and stuff into this closet?", I'd think as I stood in the doorway of Ila's already-full closet. We'd been planning on sending the girls to private school. Could we afford private school for THREE kids though? These worries kept me up at night.
Then I'd feel guilty. After everything I went through to get pregnant with Eden and Ila, you'd think that I'd be over the moon that this baby had been given to me so easily. But I wasn't. So then I'd get all upset that I was a terrible person for not appreciating this gift. I was a mess.
But the weeks went by. And I started picturing it. Another baby. Another wrinkly newborn curled up on my chest at night. First smiles and giggles. Baby arms around my neck and shaky first steps.
I GOT PUMPED.
Last week, as I listened to my baby's heartbeat, I knew that nothing else mattered. We'll set up the crib in the living room if we have to! Who cares?! We're getting a baby!
I've thought it was another girl all along. Every time I pictured it, it was a girl. I pictured three little girls, and I would get so giddy! I've been incredibly, incredibly sick ever since Halloween. And I was pretty sick with both Eden and Ila. So I figured that since my pregnancy seemed pretty similar to the first two times, it must be another girl. And probably since all I know is girls, it's all I could picture. I had her name picked out, and when I talked about the baby to Dustin, I called it by the girl name I had chosen and Dustin had agreed to. I was in complete girl mode.
Yesterday morning, I woke up... NOT SICK. It actually took me a moment to process what I was feeling. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel good. "What's this? I'm not running to the bathroom the throw up the second I move? What's going on?"
God knew I would want to feel good yesterday. Because about an hour after Dustin and Eden left, I got a phone call from my doctor's office. They had the results of my bloodwork from the week before and were wondering if I wanted to know the gender.
"YES!"
Because I was sitting there completely expecting to hear the word "girl", it made it that much more special when instead she said, "It's a boy!" I immediately burst into tears and could barely manage to get out "thank you" before hanging up the phone.
I wanted to surprise Dustin. So I quickly got dressed, threw some clothes on Ila, and we booked it to Houston! First stop - Baby Gap! "I can't believe I'm on this side of the store," I kept thinking to myself! Ila and I had the most fun day! We bought clothes and books and cupcakes and balloons!
After deciding to go to Houston that morning, I had made two phone calls. One to my stepmom to see if she could pick Eden up from school. And one to Dustin... He usually comes home for lunch every day to make food for Eden and Ila, since lately, I have been unable to do so. I didn't want him to come home at lunchtime and see that we weren't there and wonder what I was doing. I wanted him to be completely surprised that afternoon. So I told him that I was feeling much, much better and that I wouldn't be home at lunch because after I "picked Eden up from school" I was going to run a few errands and pick up a few things at HEB.
(He goes, "Can you get me some deodorant and shampoo?", and then I was all, "Crap! Now I actually have to go to HEB!" Haha!)
After our shopping spree, Ila and I went and picked up Eden. "I have a surprise for you," I told her! I knew she was going to be ecstatic because she had voiced her opinion multiple times, and I knew she wanted a boy. She so strongly wanted a boy, that I was actually really concerned about what her reaction was going to be when (since I was so convinced of what it was) I told her it was a girl! (I can't believe now that I thought it could be anything other than a boy! Eden is the one who prayed for this baby! Of course she was going to get exactly what she wanted!)
She started screaming, "I HAVE A BROTHER! I HAVE A BROTHER!" When we got home, I started setting everything up for Dustin, and Eden told me she was going to write a song on the piano for Daddy's party. It consisted of her banging on all the keys and shouting "I HAVE A BROTHER! I HAVE A BROTHER! I HAVE A BROTHER!"
After I got everything set up, it felt like an ETERNITY before Dustin came home! He had absolutely no idea that I even got a phone call that day telling me the gender. I met him at the door with a sign that said, "Dear Daddy, You have a SON!" Then I led him into the kitchen so he could see everything. Eden started playing her song on the piano. And I know people choose to not find out the gender until birth because they say it's more special, but I don't believe that. Because we've never waited to find out the gender, and it's always been special, and I wouldn't trade our little "party" that we had yesterday evening for anything!
It's been a little over 24 hours now since I found out that I'm having a boy. And I can't believe now that I wanted/thought another girl. Because I could not be any happier than I am right now. We're having a son. We have two daughters and a son, and it's the most perfect thing ever. And I can't believe that I ever thought that we were done after Ila was born, because I absolutely cannot picture my life now without this other baby, this third child, this little boy. I was made to be the mother of a boy. I was made to be the mother of three kids.
Except for a few cupcakes, everything is still sitting out on the kitchen table, and my heart skips a beat every time I walk by. And sometimes I hold his clothes and imagine the little boy who will one day wear them. And sometimes I do really, really weird things like rub them on my face. We are counting down the days until he makes his appearance and we can love and kiss all over HIM.
"So did you get my deodorant?" Dustin asked last night.
"No, fool! I was LYING! I didn't go to HEB; I was trying to throw you off my scent!"
"So I seriously don't have any deodorant?"
"No! But you do have a son! So get over it!"
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