On My Mind

Well after weeks of bipolar weather, I'm pretty sure spring/summer/warm weather is here to stay.  YAY!  FINALLY!

I dressed Eden like this on May 3rd:

Seriously ridiculous.  About two seconds after I snapped that picture, I grabbed her and ran back inside where my heater was blasting.  It's amazing how the same weather I describe as glorious in October, I describe as miserable in May.  When April and May hit, my brain is focused on warm weather activities, and I don't cope well when I don't get them.

Since that day though, we've had plenty of beautiful, sunny days.  Last weekend I met up with some friends and their kids and took Eden to Maifest.  It was my first time to go as well, but I'm pretty sure we're going to make it an annual tradition.  It started with a parade that morning, and then finished at a park with a carousel, bouncy houses, craft booths, carnival food and my favorite part - paying six bucks for a wristband that got you ALL YOU CAN EAT BLUE BELL ICE CREAM!  It was such a fun day.

 Eden liked the horses in the parade best.

The next day we had a few friends over for a Cinco de Mayo party.  Dustin made fajitas, I made tres leches cake, and one of our friends brought a pinata for the kids.  Eden was pretty much terrified of the pinata when I attempted to get her to hit it, but she happily scooped up candy after it was busted.

fortunately she was most excited to just hand the candy to Dustin since she's not allowed to eat it yet

Last week I bought Eden a set of golf clubs so that she can participate with me and Dustin in the evenings when we hit golf balls in the backyard.



Yesterday for Mother's Day, I had a nice, relaxing day.  Dustin took over the majority of the chores for the day, I took a nap on the couch when Eden napped, and for dinner Dustin cooked me a wonderful meal of steak, roasted corn and green beans, baked potatoes, garlic bread and a strawberry cake.  Dustin always cooks me wonderful meals though.  My uncle called me last night to wish me a happy Mother's Day, and I told him about the meal Dustin made me.  He said, "Dustin always does that!  So it was just a usual Sunday night then?"  Ha.  I'm so blessed to have married somebody who LOVES to cook for me.

 she's bringing me my card

best strawberry cake I've ever seen

In honor of Mother's Day yesterday, my Facebook newsfeed was full of quotes about motherhood of course.  Most were inspiring.  A few bothered me pissed me off.  I saw one that said stay-at-home moms should never complain about being busy because we obviously don't understand what busy means.  Another one claimed that you were a Super Mom if you also had a job to handle.  The last one I saw said something along the lines of, "I shop, cook, clean, raise kids and have a job - I'm a REAL housewife."  Things like this mainly piss me off because if I were to ever claim the opposite - that you are somehow a superior mom if you ONLY stay at home, I would be attacked.

I would never judge anybody for working.  So why do I always feel judged for staying home?  Back before Eden was even born, I had so many people want to know when I was planning on going back to work.  BEFORE SHE WAS BORN!  A few people reacted as if I said I was planning on murdering my baby when I told them I had no plans to go back to work after she was born.  One girl couldn't get over it.  "But WHY?!  WHAT WILL YOU DO?", she seriously yelled at me.  Um... take care of my kid?

This is what works for us.  I have no idea what the future holds for me.  But right now, I am staying home with Eden.  I enjoy staying home with Eden, and I'm very blessed that it is possible for me to do so.  I realize that not everybody CAN stay home, I realize that not everybody WANTS to stay home.  Fine.  People should do whatever WORKS FOR THEM, whatever MAKES THEM HAPPY.  At the end of the day, aren't we all just doing the best we can for our kids?  If the answer is yes, well then that should be all that matters.

Her new shoes squeak when she walks.  I love it.  Dustin hates it.

Okay, so me as a mom right now...  here comes some honesty.

When Eden was born, I was a complete natural.  I had never really been around babies much before, but it didn't matter... diapers, breastfeeding, handling her... I could do it all.  I never worried, I was never nervous. At the time, my grandmother, mom and step-mom all told me how amazed they were at how comfortable I seemed as a new mom.  And I was.  I rocked that first year.  That year, of course, had it's difficulties.  I mean, obviously life dramatically changes when you have a baby, and Dustin and I had to figure out life with a baby.  There were definitely hard months when she just. wouldn't. sleep.  But for the most part, I seriously rocked that first year.  I had everything under control, I could always make her happy, I knew what she needed, etc.  We never had any major hiccups.

I'm not really rocking it right now.  

Eden knows what she wants these days.  Only she can't always tell me what she wants.  She points to something and says a word that I can't identify.  So I start frantically guessing.  "You want your water?"  She shakes her head.  "You want Lovey (her security blanket)?"  She shakes her head.  "You want to play with the blocks?"  She shakes her head.  She says the word again.  She's getting impatient.  "You want me to read a book to you?"  She shakes her head.  "You want to sit on mama's lap?"  She shakes her head.  "You want a cheerio?"  She shakes her head.  Now she's mad.  She starts to cry.  I'm still at a loss.  We have lots of days like this.

There are times that she is just downright defiant.  She KNOWS what the word "no" means.  But sometimes she just wants to test me.  She'll start to do something she's not supposed to.  I'll say "No!".  She gives me a little smirk and continues to do it.  I repeat, "Eden, NO MA'AM!"  She grins and keeps doing it.  I slap her little hand.  She stops doing it, and then I lay in bed at night worried that I am somehow doing psychological damage to my child because I slapped her hand.  I'm serious.  I lay in bed and worry that I give her too much attention and she'll be a spoiled brat.  Or I lay in bed and worry that I didn't give her ENOUGH attention during dinnertime and she'll think she's not important to me.  It really doesn't matter what I do these days - I will somehow find a way to worry about it.  I can somehow accidentally stumble across an article (just kidding - I googled something insane like "psychological damage in one year olds") that tells me all about how this is such an important time in your child's life as they're learning what the world is like and blah, blah, blah, and I panic because what if I'm doing it all wrong and she's messed up for life?  I repeat - I worry about everything little thing at this age.

I feel like she's at a between stage right now... She's not a baby, but she's not really a toddler yet.  She is no longer interested in most of her baby toys, but all the next step up toys seem to be too old for her still.  She wants to be independent and do everything on her own, but she's not big enough to do everything on her own.

Most of the time, I just feel like I'm at a loss.  Then I take her over to my grandma's house, and my grandma just seems to thrive at having Eden be this age.  My grandma knows the art of distraction and can always seem to keep Eden happy and entertained.  Same thing with a few of my friends when they play with Eden.  I've had a few of my friends just go on and on about this perfect age that Eden is at and how that was their absolute favorite age when their kids were younger.  And I'm all enthusiastic like, "Yeah, it's so much fun!!!!"  But really I'm thinking, "What the heck?  There must be something wrong with me because this isn't my favorite age!"

But here's the thing.  I still love Eden just as much.  I would still do anything, ANYTHING for her.  I am still striving to be the best mom for her that I can be.  She's my little girl, my baby.  The difference I guess is that now I have to work harder.  It takes effort whereas before, it just came natural to me.

I've realized that as moms, we all just have different areas that we are good at.  I had somebody tell me that she was terrible at the newborn stage, that she worried constantly and was a nervous wreck the first six months, but she is rocking the 18 month old stage.  I rocked that first year, but right now I'm not rocking the just-over-a-year age.  I will always do everything I can for her, but this is not a stage that comes naturally to me.  And that's okay!

We're all different as moms.  Some of us stay home, some of us work.  Some of us are good at the newborn stage, some of us are good at the 15 month old stage.  We all have our strengths, we all have our weaknesses.

So again, I ask... If we all are doing the best we can and loving our children, isn't that all that matters?

swinging this morning