June 3rd

Today is another important anniversary in my world.  One year ago I found out I was pregnant.  I'm sitting here watching my four and a half month old play on her activity mat, and I just really cannot believe how much my life has changed in one year.
I remember that day so well.  I took the test, and I sat there for two minutes while praying in my head, "Please God, please God, please God..."  And when it did come up positive, I was pretty shocked.  As much as I was wanting it, I wasn't really expecting it.  It felt like a dream.  Dustin was going to be home from work in less than an hour... I thought surely I could wait 45 minutes for him to get home so I could tell him.  But after about three minutes, I couldn't take it anymore, and I called him.  We had a super weird conversation:

Jenni: What are you doing?
Dustin (panicking): WHY ARE YOU CRYING?  WHAT HAPPENED?  WHAT'S WRONG?
Jenni:  I'm not crying!  What are you doing?
Dustin:  Yes, you're crying!  Did something happen?
Jenni:  No!  What are you doing?
Dustin:  I'm fixing to go to a meeting.
Jenni:  Oh... nevermind.
Dustin:  Why?
Jenni:  I wanted you to come home. 
Dustin:  Are you sure you're not crying?
Jenni:  I'm fine.  Okay, bye.

This was not going as planned.  Three minutes later, I look out the window and see Dustin's truck flying down the dirt road.  I go outside to meet him, and we have another weird conversation.

Jenni:  What are you doing here?
Dustin:  I had to see what was wrong!  You were crying!
Jenni:  I thought you had a meeting.
Dustin:  I told them you were acting strange on the phone, and they told me to come check on you.  I told your dad I thought you were crying. 
Jenni:  WHAT?  Why did you tell them that?  That's so embarassing!
Dustin:  What's wrong?

So I pull the pregnancy test out of my pocket and hand it to him.

Dustin:  I had a feeling when I was pulling up that this is what it was about!

I start crying, Dustin hugs me, and we have a sweet little moment.  But now I'm pretty concerned with the fact that everyone at the office knows I'm crying.

Jenni:  We can't tell anyone yet!  What are you going to say when you get back to the office?
Dustin:  I don't know, I'll figure something out.
Jenni:  Okay, well make it good!

Dustin goes back to work, and comes back later.

Jenni:  What did you tell everyone?
Dustin:  I told them the dish washer was leaking.
Jenni:  WHAT THE HELL?!  Why would I be crying over that?
Dustin:  I don't know.  I said it was leaking everywhere and you needed help because you didn't know what to do.
Jenni:  THEY ARE GOING TO THINK I'M INSANE!  AND STUPID!

Okay, so telling my husband I was pregnant didn't really go how I always imagined it would.  But the whole thing amuses me now.

So here's the deal...  There was a time that I didn't think I would ever get to have a baby.  And it's what I wanted most in the entire world.  When I was little, all I really ever wanted to be was a mom.  When I was young, and I would imagine my life when I was older, I always pictured myself pregnant.  Seriously, I did.  Wait, I take that back.  At one point, I wanted to be a princess.  But when that didn't pan out, I went back to the whole mother thing.  I went to college, I chose a major... but I was never all that passionate about it.  Because again, I just wanted to be a mother.  When Dustin and I started dating, I made sure that he understood and was okay with the fact that I wanted babies and I wanted to stay home and take care of them.  And then doctors started taking my dream away.

I reached a very, very, very dark place in my life.  My friends started getting pregnant.  I would smile and congratulate them and then cry myself to sleep while Dustin held me.  People started asking me when I was going to have a baby.  I couldn't stand to tell them the truth... only a few people closest to me knew my struggles.  So I would lie and act like a baby was the furthest thing from my mind.  But really I felt like I was dying inside.  For a while, besides Dustin, the only people that knew what was going on in my life were my mom, my dad and a few very close friends.  I was too embarassed to tell anyone else.  I felt like a failure.  I felt like I was less of a person.  I felt like I was letting Dustin down.  At the time, I couldn't imagine anything else worse than not being able to get pregnant. 

Then one day last spring, I was talking to my two teaching partners.  I mentioned that I was getting a sub for the next afternoon because I had a doctor's appointment.  I had been going to the doctor every month, so one of the teachers laughed and said, "You have to go to the doctor again?  What are you, pregnant?"  She was joking, so she was pretty shocked when I burst into tears.  I was just at my breaking point.  I started telling them a little bit about what was going on and all my struggles.  I asked them to please pray for me. 

That's when it hit me...  I wasn't trusting God.  I was being selfish and having a breakdown because I wasn't getting what I wanted in life.  But I wasn't trusting that God had a plan for my life.  I had been praying about a baby here and there all along... When I said my nightly prayers, I threw in a "Oh, and let me have a baby."  But what kind of prayer is that?  Seriously?  That's the best I could do?  And here I am asking other people to pray for me when that's the best I could do for myself?  I started reading the story of Hannah and Samuel in the Bible over and over and over and over.  Any time I started losing hope, I would go back to those pages and read about how Hannah prayed her heart out and then gave it to God.  So that's what I did.  Every night, literally on my hands and knees in my bedroom I would pour out my heart to God.  And then I would tell Him that it was His will.  I put everything in His hands, and I started completely trusting Him with the whole thing.  My dark place started getting a little brighter.  I still wanted a baby more than anything, but now I was trusting God's timing and plan for my life.

I got pregnant that month. 

And I know it's because of my prayers.

To say I was happy is a vast understatement.  There will never be any words for me to describe how I felt when I saw that positive pregnancy test. 

I didn't want to tell anyone yet though.  First, I just wanted it to be special between me and Dustin.  Later that day we went to my cousin's graduation.  I remember running into tons of people that I knew and being surrounded by my family... acting like everything was normal, but Dustin and I had the greatest secret in the world.  Second, I wanted to make sure it was a healthy pregnancy before I started blabbing it to everyone.  Part of me felt like it was too good to be true and that it might get taken from me. 

We actually didn't get to keep it a secret for as long as I wanted to.  Morning sickness (which really should be called all-day sickness) hit, and we figured people would start figuring it out on their own since I gagged and ran to the bathroom every time somebody mentioned something food-related.  We told our families on Father's Day, we told our best friends a couple weeks after that, and by the end of the summer, everyone knew. 

I look back on my dark time... And I know it was for the best.  God's timing was absolutely perfect.  And because of my dark time, I appreciate everything so much more.

I don't think I love Eden more than other moms love their babies because all moms love their babies.  But I think I'm less likely to take it for granted because of what I went through.  Every time I felt like complaining about my morning sickness, I remembered... When I wanted to complain about dirty diapers and getting up every three hours to feed her in the night, I remembered...  I will not complain because I know a pain much worse than morning sickness and dirty diapers and lack of sleep.

So now Eden is sitting on my lap.  And I'm still just amazed at what God can do in a year.  One year and one day ago, I didn't have any of this!  (Well I guess I did, I just didn't know it.)  Now I have a beautiful, healthy, perfect baby girl. 

She just told me that she wants to go splash around in her baby pool.  :)  So I'll just leave you with my most favorite picture ever.

Dustin snapped this just seconds after she was placed into my arms.  My mom put this picture up on facebook and somebody made the comment that it looks like Eden is looking at me and thinking, "We did it Mom."  I LOVE that!  My journey to Eden was much longer than 9 months.  But WE DID IT!  It was a hard journey, but I wouldn't change a thing.