I remember driving to work one morning just a few weeks before Eden was born, and it hit me... I WAS ACTUALLY HAVING A BABY! A baby. A baby to see and hold and feel and love. A baby that was MINE!
That seems ridiculous. I had been pregnant for like thirty-three weeks at that point. I had heard heartbeats and seen ultrasounds and felt her move. But all of a sudden, it just became a little more real. And I started getting insanely, insanely excited. I had been holding myself back... that maybe the whole thing was too good to be true. But at that moment, I let myself start dreaming... I imagined what it would be like to hold her for the first time, I imagined how her body would feel against mine, I imagined what she might look like, I imagined what Dustin's face would look like when she was placed in his arms, I imagined bringing her home and starting our new life together. And unlike all my previous dreaming about how much I wanted a baby and what it would be like if I ever had a baby, this time it was different, because this time it was real.
You would think that the second time around I would understand how this works. Nope. Shit got real this week. Next month is baby month, and it has finally hit me. And the dreaming has started all over again. I'm imagining that newborn cry, seeing her for the first time, the weight of her tiny body in my arms, her little eyes blinking at me as she takes in the bright lights, Dustin right there with us.
I'm imagining Eden meeting her and climbing up into my hospital bed to hold her. I'm imagining the car ride home when there will be two little girls in my backseat. I'm imagining that first night at home with her snuggled in her bassinet next to our bed.
Saturday mornings when we lay her in our bed on her newborn lounger and Eden climbs in too. Her presence in the living room, sleeping in her nap nanny, as Eden and I play. Fighting over who gets to hold her with Dustin while we watch TV at night. (We used to argue every. single. night. over who got to hold Eden while watching our nightly shows.)
Let's call her "I" right now.
Eden's old baby clothes have been washed and put away in "I"'s room. As I went through all of those clothes, I remembered Eden wearing them while dreaming about "I" wearing them. She has plenty of new stuff all her own too. I have so many of Eden's clothes tucked away in a box labeled "Special Baby Eden Clothes" - hospital outfits, holiday outfits, what she was wearing when she did major "firsts", etc. "I" needs her own special outfits too. I folded and put everything away so neatly. And then I like to go in there and take things back out and look at them and imagine the little baby who will be wearing them soon.
At the end of August, I made a to-do list of all the things I needed to get done before she arrives. I dedicated September to getting all of those things done so that once October hits, I can just relax. Her coming home outfit has been chosen. My hospital bag is packed. The bassinet bedding has been washed. Her crib (as you can see above) is set up. That crib was mine. And Marshall's. And Eden's. And now "I"'s.
And let's not forget Big Sister Eden. Her hospital outfit is ready to go too.
It's been hanging there on her dresser for weeks now, and I tell her, "This is what you're going to wear when "I" is born." And y'all... she totally gets it now.
After seeing it on Pinterest, I made this book for her...
We read it every day.
There are pictures of us holding her in the hospital and pictures of the people who came to visit and a picture of all the flowers people sent. We read it and look at the pictures and talk about it. I tell her how much all those people who came to visit love her, and now when we get to that page, she usually says it herself: "Them loves me!" I tell her that, "This is a picture of you when you first came out of my tummy, and "I" is gonna come out of my tummy soon too." We look at pictures of her tiny self, and I tell her how small she used to be and how she grew, and now when we get to this page, she says, "I was little, then I grew up!"
I love asking her when "I" will be born. She always says the exact same thing, and I love that she really does seem to understand everything I've been telling her. She says, "Her is little right now. Her has to grow more. Then her come out."
I've tried to involve her as much as possible in this. We went shopping a few weeks ago, and I explained to her that she was going to get to pick stuff out for "I". It would be just from her, and she could give it to "I" when she was born.
I LOVE that dress. Great job, Eden! At Barnes and Noble, I told her she could choose two books... one for her and one for "I". (She chose one with Olaf on the front for herself... no surprise there!) Then I let her pick out a stuffed animal. As we walked around the store some more so that I could look for books for myself (duh!), she carried that book and that unicorn around and kept repeating, "This for "I", but I have it right now." When we checked out, she reached up to the counter to put her stuff on it, and she told the lady checking us out, "This for "I", "I" right there", and she pointed to my tummy.
When we got home, I put everything into a box. I let Eden pick out wrapping paper from my stash. And after I wrapped the box in the blue paper she had chosen, I handed her stickers, a glue stick and pom-poms and let her go to town.
Every once in a while, I show her the gift and ask her who's it for to make sure she hasn't forgotten. "THAT'S FOR "I"!!!!", she always yells.
And I'm dreaming about the day that she carries it into my hospital room to meet her baby sister.
I'm also dreaming about the day that I can once again eat a cupcake. Or even just a bowl of cereal. Because gestational diabetes... OVER IT!
